All About Hannah

It was October 2010 when we noticed that Hannah did not enjoy going to school.  We just thought it was the nervousness and newness of being in 1st grade but it continued to get worse with crying fits the night before and the morning of on school days. (She had the same teacher and same friends as last year so unfamiliarity was not an issue. Also there was no one picking on her at school and she had many friends.) Then she complained about tummy aches and her fear of doing the 'too-hard' classwork at school. (What was so hard about school?.. It was only 1st grade!!) We debated if this was a physical ailment but soon realized that on the weekends she had no tummy aches nor crying fits.

At first we did not think it was separation anxiety (which is more common starting preschool and kindergarten) since she was fine going to Kindergarten last year. Her teacher said that she was doing fine academically and felt that she was excelling in all subject areas so what was the problem?! After some online research, I realized that she may actually have separation anxiety disorder and school refusal anxiety. Her symptoms fit the diagnosis: refusal to go to school, tummy aches, and overall fear of separating from me every morning since the first day of school. We informally spoke with a few child psychologists and they seem to agree with my diagnosis. 

Now you ask, how come she wasn't like this last year in Kinder? Well.. I assume the answer would be that I was working full time last year so I was on campus all day so she knew where I was and where I could be found. This year I am not working full time so she wonders where I am all day long and wants to stay with me if at all possible.


To make a long story short, Hannah has been seeing a psychologist since November and she has made tremendous progress in controlling her anxiety and being more flexible on a day to day basis. She has had 17 sessions to date and the doctor recommends ending her therapy sessions this coming Fall in September if she progresses well into 2nd grade. We know she will be more susceptible to anxiety related issues as she grows up whether it's taking a big test, making a presentation, interviewing for a job etc.. We are thankful that she has learned the techniques and tools she can use to help her through those anxious moments. We also thank all who have been praying for her (like her 8 yr old cousin Zachy who prays for her every single night). Hannah has become the prayer warrior for our family. She volunteers to pray for our meals and at bedtime always asking God to help her not have a tummy ache and not to cry when going to school the next morning. She has matured to learn to handle her anxiety through prayer and therapy techniques at the tender age of 7.

Written in January 2011

The Christmas break has come and gone and Hannah will be going back to school this Tuesday. Before and during the break, we have had 4 sessions with the Christian psychologist, Dr. Y, and three of the sessions have included Hannah. The doctor has been pretty aggressive in preparing a treatment plan that will help Hannah not only overcome her separation anxiety from me and anxiety in going to school but also help her in decreasing the amount of tantrums she has at home. She tantrums because of her inability to verbalize her feelings and emotions.

So Hannah has been practicing relaxation techniques in helping her relax her tummy so her anxiety does not escalate into a tummy ache. Basically the doctor will be using cognitive behavioral therapy, psychotherapy and emotion coaching to help her overcome her anxiety and learn strategies in dealing with anything she has and will have anxiety about such as learning something new; a change in routine; frustrations in completing something or learning something etc..

The doctor has recommended 18-20 sessions as part of the treatment plan where she has reached her determined goals of managing anxiety when separated from me; attending school with minimal anxiety; developing a lexicon and environment for expressing her emotions and decreasing her tantrums to near 0-1 a month.

Overall, Matthew and I feel confident that Hannah is getting excellent treatment from Dr. Y. She has guided us in improving our parenting of her and Emily by having us read an excellent book by John Gottman, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child- The Heart of Parenting. We, as parents, desire our children to be academically and socially intelligent and try our best to teach them that. When our child is hurt/angry/sad/disappointed, we try to ease their pain by taking it away either by negating it, "It's okay.. it's no big deal, you'll get over it"; or fixing it for them/controlling the situation so they'll feel better. We mean well but unfortunately we are doing a huge disservice to our children if we do not acknowledge and validate their feelings, help them verbalize their feelings and helping them solve their problems while setting clear limits.  Dr Y. says that those children can grow into adults who have difficulty in making decisions; who need constant advise from others before they can make a decision in what school to go to, who to date, who to marry, what job should they take, etc.. She says that we need to learn to understand ourselves well enough to know our own needs and wants .. to listen to our 'gut' feeling and trust ourselves enough that we can make decisions in our life confidently and without doubt.

In this book, the author says "Children who have been 'emotionally-coached' by their parents were better able to regulate their own emotional states. They were better at soothing themselves when they are upset. They could calm down their hearts faster. They had fewer illnesses. They were better at focusing attention. They related better to other people, esp in tough situations they may encounter like getting teased or bullied. They were better in understanding people; they had better friendships with other children; they had developed a kind of IQ that is about people and the world of feelings .. an emotional intelligence".

So.. we are excited that we can grow to be better parents to our girls, a better spouse to each other, and for me, a better teacher so I can understand the students better.

The big test will be this Tuesday when Hannah heads off to school. I am thankful for the school staff who have been an incredible source of support and love for our family. They are the ones that Hannah is with from 8am-3pm Monday to Friday. Please keep them in your prayers since they are the ones who will be guiding Hannah through her anxieties.

Lord willing, she may do fantastically well at school this coming week. What a praise to God it will be but we know that she has other issues to overcome other than school reluctance so this will continually be a work-in-progress for her.

Thanks again for your prayers and we will keep you posted!

Most of the time she is like a princess on her throne.. happy as a clam..

.. but other times she is NOT so happy..yep.. this was another tantrum..