Why Do They Do Stupid Things and Make Us Mad?

One afternoon my sister called and complained about one of her boys. He was purposefully disobeying her. She told him to do his homework. He said 'ok' as he was on the computer surfing the internet. She again told him to do his homework. He said 'ok'... and continued to surf the web. She proceeds to yell reiterate again, go do your homework. He begrudgingly gets off the computer and proceeds to roll his chair to block the doorway so his brothers cannot get pass him. They in turn complain to my sister that their big brother is bothering them. My sister again yells says, why are you making your brothers mad? He says, "I don't know."

Sound familiar? Has this happened in your family?

Funny thing is.. he really doesn't know why he's doing these stupid things to make us, parents, mad. Really! My husband was the one who told me why he was acting this way. You see, his men's bible study was just talking about the very same problem recently.

His group was studying the book: The Five Love Languages of Children/Teenagers by Gary Chapman . Chapter Ten focuses on Anger and Love. Both emotions are usually felt at the same time. It is anger that leads to marital conflict and to verbal and physical abuse of children. It's the emotion that is the most misunderstood and mishandled.

Many people mishandle their anger. Road rage anyone? Borderline abuse? If we adults do not learn to handle our anger as we respond to our children, they in turn will not learn to handle theirs.

When our kids yell, we tend to yell back, "why are you yelling?" or "don't you dare talk that way to me!". Kids will get angry. It's a known fact. We all do. It's how we handle their anger that's important. We need to teach our children appropriate ways of handling their anger. If we don't do that, we have failed (in this one way) to guide them to be responsible mature adults. The mishandling of anger can be related to every present and future problem your child may have from getting bad grades to being in unhealthy relationships in their personal and professional life. Anger Management anyone?

The good news is that if we help them learn to handle their anger it'll be to their advantage as they grow up to be productive adults.

My sister's son was displaying passive-aggressive behavior. "Passive-aggressive behavior is an expression of anger that gets back at a person or group indirectly or 'passively'. It is a subconscious determination to do exactly opposite of what an authority figure (usually a parent or teacher) wants."

How do you know it was passive-aggressive behavior?  One, P-A behavior does not make sense. Two, you'll know it's P-A behavior when nothing you do or say can correct the bad behavior. Because his whole intent was to upset you no matter what you say or do to him.

Now I say that my 14 year old nephew does not really know why he's doing what he's doing. You see, there is only one period of time in one's life called early adolescence (when a child is 13-15 years old) where this behavior is considered 'normal'. Now to clarify, it's considered normal when this behavior causes no harm to anyone. Harmless ways can be not cleaning up a their room or teepeeing someone else's house. They are all normal teenage antics. There are also more dangerous ways of expressing P-A behavior which is more action oriented than verbal such as dabbling in drugs, violence, complete disregard for school  etc..

My nephew probably knows what he did but probably not why he did what he did. It takes a lot of reflection and mulling over to determine what his problem 'deep down' was. And usually Mr. Chapman says, it's because of an empty love tank. If you, as the parent, are regularly filling up his love tank (in the language that speaks most strongly to him whether it's words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service or touch) he would not have the need to act out in this manner. Of course an empty love tank is not the only cause of misbehavior or anger but it is the most common.

Another important teaching lesson is to understand that your child has no defense against your anger towards them. When you dump your anger onto them, it goes right inside the child especially when you also say "don't you ever speak to me that way again' or 'don't talk when i'm talking to you.' You just yell at them and then send them into their room without giving them an opportunity to respond. Their anger can eventually become so bottled up inside themselves that it comes out as passive-aggressive behavior.

Our goal as parents is to help our child move from P-A behavior and verbal abuse to a calm rational way of discussing the problem and solution. This is not easy especially if they are pushing your buttons. I have had many times exploded at my girls when they do not obey or display P-A behavior. Thankfully my husband is quite the opposite and uses his calm soft spoken voice and patiently instructs our children to calm down to find out what is really wrong. Mind you, it's not easy for him either but he's much better at it than me.

Overall, this is a long process that involves modeling (when they are yelling, you can't yell back, it just teaches them that they can yell back at someone who yells at them), training and lots and lots of patience. Let them express their anger verbally. That is healthy. We need to do that too sometimes. It's called venting!! The more anger that is expressed verbally, the less it would come out in other more serious behaviors such as lying, stealing, violence etc..

When your child speaks in anger, it does not necessarily mean that he is being disrespectful. You just have to find out what is the problem. Now some children misbehave to manipulate their parents and get their own way; now that is unacceptable.  Angry verbal expressions motivated by a desire to upset and hurt others are inappropriate and must be corrected right away. There is usually a deep seeded problem festering in that child when the behavior gets so out of hand. It is our job to never or not have it get that bad.

Communication is key to knowing what and who are kids are. They may be sweet and cuddly when they were infants to preschoolers; cute and entertaining when they are in their elementary years but when they get to their teenage years.. BAM! Where did they come from? Who is this kid that I raised for the past 14 years? What is wrong with you? Well.. it's all a part of growing up and figuring out who they are. They want to be treated like adults but their minds are still too immature to handle the true responsibility of adulthood. Hey, sometimes I totally get what Hannah goes through. When I wake up in the morning, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to go anywhere. I want to stay home and just watch TV.

If you want step-by-step instruction on how to train your child out of displaying passive-aggressive behavior, I would highly recommend reading Chapter 10 of The Five Love Languages of Children or Teenagers by Gary Chapman. It's two different books, one is geared more about elementary-aged children and the other is about teenagers. Both have essentially the same instruction but the examples he uses is geared for that specfic age group.

I also highly recommend building friendships with other parents who have older children than yours. I so value and respect my friends as parents and use them as my role model and 'advise hot-line' whenever I need help on how to handle situations with my children. It definitely takes a village to raise a child.

HPV Vaccine... Yes or No?

When I was at the doctor's office, I asked the girl's pediatrician if Emily will need to get any shots next year when she turns 12. She replied, "Yes, the HPV vaccine". She said that she highly recommends it to girls between the ages of 9-12. I asked her if this vaccine was mandatory and she said, " No, not for the schools... yet. But I highly recommend it."

So I went home to ponder if I should have my soon-to-be 12-year old daughter get this HPV vaccine. I wondered if any of my friends had their teenage daughters get this vaccine. I wonder...

No more wondering... I took a survey (email is a great information gatherer) and got lots of responses. Before I share my opinion, let me tell you a little bit about what HPV is and the HPV vaccine.

Human Papillomavirus (HPV) is the most common sexually transmitted disease (STD) in the States.

• There are more than 40 types of HPV; most are harmless; some are not.

• Most people with HPV do not develop symptoms or health problems from it. In 90% of the case, the body's immune system clears HPV naturally within two years. But, sometimes, HPV infections are not cleared and can cause:
- Genital warts
- Rarely, warts in the throat - a condition called recurrent respiratory papillomatosis or RRP
- Cervical cancer and other, less common but serious cancers including cancers of the vulva, vagina, penis, anus and oropharynx (back of throat including base of tongue and tonsils).

• Millions of men and women are infected with HPV.

• Many who are infected don't know it because they don't have any noticeable symptoms.

• Infections with some types of HPV can cause genital warts.

• Some types of HPV can be associated with cervical and anal cancer; these are the ones that don't cause warts so you are pretty much symptom-less.

• Often a person will be infected with more than one type of HPV.

• Currently, there is no cure for HPV.

How do you get HPV?

• It is spread by skin-to-skin contact (genital-genital, oral sex), usually during sex, even if condoms are used, and even if no genital warts are present.
• The virus lives in the skin of infected people in areas like the penis, scrotum and vagina. 
• Condoms do not offer much protection because the virus can often be in areas that the condom doesn't cover.

How do you prevent getting HPV?

• The sure way to protect yourself from HPV is to not have sex.

How do you know if you have HPV?

• Existence of genital warts
• An abnormal pap test result (sometimes)
• Positive result of HPV test (cervical swab)

They say HPV is so common and so easy to transmit, most sexually active people will have HPV infections at some point in their lives. One way of protecting yourself from having an HPV infection possibly turn into cervical cancer is to get the HPV vaccine (prior to exposure) and have regular Pap tests.

The HPV Vaccine (Gardasil vaccine):

• Approved by the FDA in 2006 for females ages 9-26.

• Protects against the strains of four of the most common HPVs that may cause precancerous changes in the cervix and some genital warts.

• Given in three doses: four weeks after the 1st dose; 12 weeks between doses 2 and 3; 24 weeks between doses 1 and 3

• Vaccine is only effective when it is given before they are exposed (usually ages 9-12).

• According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), the vaccine is most effective at age 11 and 12, before they may have any type of sexual/skin to skin contact with a partner.

• Ages 11 and 12 were chosen due to many who develop an interest in the opposite sex at that age.

• Insurance will not cover anyone over the age of 26 (thus the maximum age of 26) because it is assumed that most people will have been exposed to the virus at that age if they are sexually active.

• If you desire to get the vaccine after age 26, the retail price is about $130 per dose ($390 for the full series).

• But once they are exposed to the HPV virus via contact, the vaccine can't protect them no matter what age they are at.

• The side-effects of this vaccine are no different than any other routine vaccines.

Some common concerns regarding this particular vaccine (other than the usual side effects of any vaccine) are:
• the feeling that if you give this vaccine to your child, it 'allows' them to be promiscuous;
• you, the parent, are indirectly saying it's 'okay' to have sex because you've given them the vaccine;
• you, the parent, may be implying that your child "may" have sex before marriage

The above concerns are all 'assumptions' and not fact. You don't know if that will happen to your child.

But the following will happen to your child if you don't give them the vaccine:
• As with any vaccine, it is protection against a disease that they may be exposed to. One that does not have a cure.
• If your child doesn't have sex until marriage, their future partner may not have waited and thus may have been exposed to the virus thus will be passing it to your child.
• Even if your child does not have "sex", HPV is contracted through skin-to-skin contact, not only through intercourse.
• When contracted, there is no cure.

Okay.. with all this info on the table, I received many responses regarding this vaccine. Out of the 14 parents who have teenage girls I contacted, only four allowed their daughters to get the vaccine.

The reasons for "No" were:
• Child not sexually active and trust that she won't be until marriage
• Vaccine too new and unknown long term effects
• Conservative vaccinating: fear of linkage to autism and other severe irreversible reactions/consequences

The reason for "Yes" was:
• Protection from a disease for my child

One mom said, "My personal view as a mom and a Christian is I can't predict what will happen to my kids or their future partner/spouse, so I rather have them be protected. I don't feel that the vaccine will cause them to be promiscuous, after all, they need to know that the vaccine will only cover 4 of the 40 HPV viruses, plus there are so many other STIs out there. Along the same line, hardly anyone objects their kids to get the routine Hepatitis B vaccine, which is transmitted by sex or sharing of needles. In my opinion, it is much easier to "catch" HPV then Hepatitis B."

One father said that he had his daughter get the vaccine at around 16 or 17 (right before she headed off to college), an age when she understood what the vaccine was for and it's effects and consequences. His reasoning was to protect her from her future partner/spouse in case she fell in love and wanted to get married at a young age.

Another mom said she knows of someone who was infected with HPV via rape and developed cervical cancer as a result. Involuntary exposure.

What about the BOYS?
The CDC just came out with the recommendation for boys to also receive the vaccine so insurance might pay for it in the future. This vaccine can protect them from genital warts.

All food for thought... so with all that in mind....

My opinion is (and note this is only MY opinion):
• I cannot 'assume' that my daughter will not have any type of sexual activity whether if it's intercourse or any skin-to-skin contact whatsoever before marriage.
• I cannot 'assume' that her future partner/spouse would not have any type of sexual activity whether it's intercourse or any skin-to-skin contact whatsoever before marriage.
• I agree with another mom, "if there's anything I can do to protect my daughter from harm, especially a terrible disease, I'd have her do it."
• My girls have had all the vaccines that is recommended for them at their current age and maybe even more since we have traveled abroad a few times too.
• I do not think age 12 is an appropriate age to get the vaccine. I personally feel they are still too young.
• But I do think that it is an important vaccine to receive at an age where they personally are aware of what they are receiving. I think before they go off to college, if they have not started dating, would be an appropriate time.
• Of course, I could let her decide if she wants the vaccine when she becomes an adult  (18 yrs old), but it's a three dose process. Can I trust that she'll be diligent enough to go to the doctor's three times within the assigned time periods to get it?
• For those of you who refrain from all vaccines in general, I understand and respect your hesitance.

My intent in writing about this topic was to not to tell you what to do but to help all of us be better informed of what our children are/will be exposed to. I want to thank all the parents that I contacted and responded to my survey and a huge thank you to my dear friend A. who is a nurse and was able to give me answers to all the medical questions I had in regards to the disease and vaccine.

So what do you all think? I know that many of you have daughters and this topic will come up. I'm curious to hear your thoughts.

ONGOING CONTEST... remember I will enter your name with each comment you post on anything I've written through February 9.  Random winner will receive a BIG prize! Note that I need to know who you are so if you comment using Anonymous please add your name or initials!

Inside A Teenager's Mind

This book was recommended to me from a good friend in regards to understanding teenagers today.

Guest Pass: Access To Your Teen's World is written by Susan Oh Cha Ph.D., who is a licensed clinical psychologist in the Bay Area. She wrote this book with her daughter, Yumi Cha, who is a high schooler in the Bay Area. Both are Christians and Korean.

This book was written in a very creative user-friendly format. First, the author, Susan, takes a topic and addresses it through a 'parent's' point-of-view. Second, her daughter, Yumi, will address the same topic from a 'teenager's' point-of-view. Third, Dr. Cha, the author again, will address the same topic from a 'professional psychologist's' point of view. Last, Dr. Cha provides a "Reflection" page where you answer questions about yourself and your child in regards to the topic and what you just read. This way you can apply what you read immediately.

(Note that the teenagers viewpoint is from a survey they took from a group of actual teenagers. Didn't want you to think it's only from Yumi's viewpoint since some teens think differently.)

Topics include:
- Privacy and Exposure: Why are teens so concerned about privacy with their parents and yet broadcast their lives on social networks?
- Chatting about Nothing for Hours: What do teens 'chat' about, especially when parents are not around?
- Teen Troubles: What kinds of problems do teens usually experience?
- Dealing with Friends who are Suffering: How do teens usually cope with friends who are distressed?
- Expressing Individuality: What is the appeal of all the body 'art' including writings, piercings and tattoos?
- Dressing for Peer Success: Why are the bottoms so high and tops so low for girls? Why are the bottoms so low for boys?
- Making Choices: What makes a teen choose to lie, cheat, drink, use drugs and/or have sex?
- Planting Seeds: Do teens care about their parent's opinions?
- What Teens Want: Name three things teens want from parents.

All great topics to know about and understand. The book is an easy read and you can go through a chapter in a few minutes. The hard part is the actual application of it all. :)